Chris.Freshman majoring in Bio-Mathematical Poli-English. Wears clothes with smiley faces. Refreshingly naive. Is in love with Lizzy. Likes to pick the crumbs off KFC chicken leg buckets. Biggest pet peeve is when toothpaste cap goes missing, and the toothpaste hardens around the opening.
Nigel the Sensible, Angelic Voice of Reason.Good and wholesome. Sorts out messes that the Sausage-Fest characters put themselves into. Has no arms or torso. Once beat Super Mario Bros. in under 6 minutes. Heterosexual life partner to Randy.
Randy the Saucy, Satanic Voice of Temptation.Dark and whimsically corrupted. Influences the Sausage-Fest characters to drink beer and watch Cartoon Network all day. Wishes he has wings. Can cook a mean Paella with Chorizo. Partner-in-crime to Nigel.
Jeffro.1st roommate of Chris. Listens to obscure music. Has no nose. Messy-haired. Likes to drink Guinness (all day, if possible). Is shorter than your average floor lamp. Once ate an entire tub of cottage cheese in under 5 minutes.
Aaron.2nd roommate of Chris. Likes the ganja (or any substance that can be drunk, injected, smoked, snorted, or deposited). Sleepy-eyed look. Laid back. Looks good under a black light.
Mike.3rd roommate of Chris. Wears a lot of black. Chain-smoker. Favorite words are "fuck" and "shit" and the occasional "goddamn."
Kyle the Duck.4th roommate of Chris. Is a talking duck. Mechanical engineering student. Evil genius. Friend of Joe Stalin. Girlfriend of Caitlin the Psycho-Bitch Ex-Girlfriend. Does not wear pants.
ZCC.5th roommate of Chris. Punk rocker. Writer. Killed by Kyle's giant robot. Has a tendency of dying and being reincarnated.
Joe Stalin.Former 4th roommate of Chris. Creative Writing major with minor in World Domination. Now a grad student/teaching assistant in English Literature. Bears a striking resemblance to a certain dictator. Possibly Burt Reynolds.
Jen, the Totally Platonic Next Door Neighbor.Quick-witted neighbor of Chris and his roommates. Levelheaded. Works in a coffee shop. Once got lost in IKEA for a week.
Lindsey.Roommate of Jen. Majoring in Family and Consumer Science. Wacky blonde. Not legally sane to take care of children. Warm-hearted. Large aorta. Overcharged libido.
Jill.Other roommate of Jen. Ogrish. Eats men as nervous defense mechanism. Speaks incoherently. Once a beauty queen. Exposed to radiation. No spider-sense tingling.
Lizzy, the Unattainable British Love Interest.From London. Is the love interest of the hopeless Chris. Bio-Mathematical Poli-English major. Likes argyle designs. Won an entire game of Monopoly once.
Duder, the Stereotypical Frat Boy.Member of the Delta Iota Kappa fraternity. Likes beer. Likes sex. Likes Dave Matthews Band. Gelled-hair. Has harem of girls follow him everywhere.
Caitlin, the Psycho-Bitch Ex-Girlfriend.Ex-girlfriend of Indie Rawk Jeffro. Current boyfriend of Kyle the Duck. World Domination major. Punk-indie-goth. Enjoys crocheting and emasculation.
Seliena, the PC FAA Student.Fine and Applied Arts major. Too politically correct for own good. Enjoys feminist magazines and The Nation. Voted for Nader.
Duder's Harem.Collection of sorority girls and undeclared majors. Blonde and vacant. Follows Duder around soliciting sex and/or alcohol. Unified entity. Likes to wear clothes from American Eagle.
Dusty.Electrical Engineering major. Part of the Enginerds. Sensible and sagacious. Mentor and older-brother-type person to Chris. Has stubble.
The U of I Whore.Overly enthusiastic. Wears excessive Fighting Illini clothing and gear and subsequently whores out to the University. School pride may borderline mental illness. Literally bleeds orange and blue. Has pom-poms for some reason.
Drunk Mom.Alumnus who visits currently-enrolled kids and gets drunk with them. Relives old, college glory days -- haphazardly. Wears short shorts.
The Office of Admissions and Records Ninja.Trained in Bushido. Works for the University. Gives campus tours. Violently alerts students of late registration fees. Works with the OAR Viking and the OAR Yeoman.
Kelly the Nympho.Sexy. Leather-clad. Innocent. Wholesome. Has cute red pigtails. Girlfriend and lover of Cyrus.
Cyrus.Nuclear Engineer. Part of the Enginerds. Hates engineering. Likes Milwaukee's Best. Is boyfriend and lover to Kelly the Nympho.
Caffeinated Tim.Frazzled Engineering Major. Member of the Enginerds. Addicted to caffeine. Has nervous ticks. Doesn't use shampoo.
Mark the Engineer.Mechanical Engineering major. Leader of the Enginerds. Scholastic rival to Kyle the Duck. Hates Liberal Arts students with an unhealthy passion.
Tori.Female counterpart to Duder. Member of the Kappa Upsilon Nu sorority (Tau Chapter). Manipulative and mean. Beautiful and large-breasted.
Szyxgla.Poor peasant girl from war-torn Eastern Europe. Alternative love interest to Lizzy. Attractive and naive to American customs. Family killed in Communist Cow Regime, Red-Bull.
Professor Numbnutz-McHatehugh.College professor for the University of Illinois. Old. Hates students. Liver spots. Has Tenure.
P-Dawg, the Dancing Electrical Engineer.Real name is Prakash Dashrathbhai Patel. Part of the Enginerds. Loves to dance and get down. Favorite movie is You Got Served and awaits for sequel, You Got Served... Again!
Death, a.k.a. The Grim Reaper, a.k.a. Nicole.Can change forms. Has a scythe with Hello Kitty topper. Smokes cigarettes. Kills a lot of people. President of an American car company.
Smashtastic Destructo-Bot.Part toaster. Part refrigerator. Senior engineering project of Kyle the Duck. Frequently runs amok. Destroyed Champaign-Urbana one time.
Dave.Friend of Chris. Very hairy. Often mistaken as Sasquatch.
The Parental Units.Mother and father of Chris. Very loving parents. Live in suburbia. Often have sex in Chris' old bedroom.
Jimmy the Voice of Indifference and Apathy.Sent to replace Nigel and Randy. Horrendously lazy and unopinionated. As influential as a sack of Russet potatoes.
John Wilkes Embryo.Only embryo that can abort you. Carries a revolver. Wears top hat. Has stylish cape and moustache.
Satan.Lord of all that is evil and ungodly. Lives in Hell. Disembodied voice. Often calls through the telephone.
The Jesus.Awesome guy. Died for your sins. Wears sandals. Turns water into booze. Occasionally appears on sandwiches.
Random Chicken.Randomly appears. Often confused look on his face. Tastes delicious with a side of honey-mustard dipping sauce (possibly).
Squirrels.Fuzzy. Cute. Small feet to scurry around campus. Hunt in numbers. Inherently evil.
Oakley Cupid.Rival to Nigel. Makes people fall in love. Has no bow and arrow but rather machine gun with "love bullets." Lost eye after intense game of Scrabble (letter "I" gouged his eye out). May have special powers hidden underneath eyepatch.
Cherub Downe.Intern to Oakley Cupid. Cute and wholesome and has an insatiable bloodlust. Envied by Randy. Firearms specialist.
Sara.Loves indie music. Worn-out denim jacket. Black-rimmed glasses. May have "missing facial appendage" fetish.
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Sausage-Fest is copyrighted © 2003-2007 by Phillip Retuta.